Jounal of prayer!

I really am so last in this world of people and stuff...yes stuff, that is what i will call everything that has me crazed! haha
K so seriously someone needs to snap me out of it! I have been in this daze, and I dont know how to get out..I never want to talk or hangout with people, i THINK that i still want to be with Steve but then I know that I dont..but I can not get myself to let go. ugh...I want to go to the top of a mountain and scream!!!! yes that is what i want to do! Althought I know it wont take anything away..but maybe it will clear some of the fog! Also I keep pushing people away or just wont let them in...maybe I am afraid, or feel like i am not worth getting to know...and that i have nothing to offer.. I really would love to skip the next 2 years and see what my life has become..I want to be grown up, I really do. But my family will not let me. They dont see how i feel, especially my mom, as much as I love her. She just wants her kids to stay babies forever, and in a way i will always be her baby, but I need my own life. I am not going to be one of her kids that stays home forever til i get married...it is okay for some people, but not me. I know that will not solve anything but i really feel like that is what I should do..I dont care if I will have more responsibility or payments...that does not bother me, cause isn't that what happens when you grow up..
So i am rambling to no one else but myself but its okay because I feel like I am talking to someone! This is pretty much what I do when I pray as well..in my head I can not focus or come up with anything, so when I write it out then I can put things together! So a lot of times when I need to talk to heavenly father because i am lost I will write it all out and then do it that way because otherwise I talk in circles! not saying that I dont anyways!:)
Well back to my confusion! It is hard for me to find attraction to anyone at this point, and maybe it is becuase I am not ready and dont need to be in a relationship at this time! Which I am completely okay with. I am happy nonetheless with all that is going on in my head! I dont need anyone/guy to make me happy. not to sound like I am all high and mighty but my friends will do...for now! :) okay well I think I am done venting to myself now! good day!

Never have I been so lost!

Well...again it is hard for me to start! I am just so full of words that i never get out, so when I start typing it all starts coming to me and I feel like I can finally start finding all the thoughts that cloud my brain. When they all just sit there I have no idea what any of them are and so I just am lost and dont know what I am feeling.
It may start off a little rambled til I get the ideas out and separated...
Life...wow thats a big one! Sometimes I dont feel like I am contributing anything to people around me as much as I should! I just feel so tired all the time and so I do not have the energy to go out and do things that would be helpful...also just doing things that need to be done, I have also been slacking on that...like cleaning my car, my room, helping with the house, cooking dinner for the family...just things that are of the norm..as of now I get home from work and all I want do is sleep, for some reason I do not feel like I am getting enough sleep...I wish that I could have a week of vacation from all things and people but in my house, so I can sleep when I want, clean and cook alone and that would be a very big week for me! Well I dont think that is going to happen until I move out on my own and I will still have work so that will still be an issue, but I think that it would be easier for me to be me and live! okay well time to get back to work!! have a good one, til next time!
The women who has a lot to say but says nothing!

where to start!?

Okay well I am new to this so for the first few posts I may be a little all over the place!

Working and going to school!!! Well when I say school that may be A litle to open..one class, physcology in which I am doing horrible in! Who knows why I chose that to be my first school class in 2 years...but you have got to start somewhere..right?! I am not big on school and I am sure not a lot of people are but since I do not have a clue of what I would like to do for the rest of my life besides being a mom and a wife...I am not so motivated to go to school and do homework!

Work: I was working at a dentist office for the past year and it was a good job I knew how to do almost everything within the front office, but enough is enough! Lying is not my thing....here is what I am referring to! The people themselves individually I am sure are great and some are my very good friends but as a whole within this company...no one watches out for anyone but themselves and no one helps out! They act as if they are the only ones who have things to do! And for the managment..I will not go into that! There was so much dishonesty going on, I could not stand for it....just an FYI to everyone, If you even have the slightest thought of having a credit at an office, whether dentist, dr, wherever aks for it! Because I am not sure about some of the offices out there but one in particular...you will not get that money til you bug them to death! okay so enough about that! I now work at an orthopedic surgeon office...it is of course a different environment, the three other people I work with, the Dr, his wife, and my manager are all LDS!!! I love that fact...i can actually feel the spirit while I am at work! It is amazing and very enjoyable..although my manager is older married with children, we still get along great and I enjoy my job! I have had many jobs in the past and this one I like! okay well I think that is all for now!
til next time!
yours truly, rhayna kae!