Jounal of prayer!

I really am so last in this world of people and stuff...yes stuff, that is what i will call everything that has me crazed! haha
K so seriously someone needs to snap me out of it! I have been in this daze, and I dont know how to get out..I never want to talk or hangout with people, i THINK that i still want to be with Steve but then I know that I dont..but I can not get myself to let go. ugh...I want to go to the top of a mountain and scream!!!! yes that is what i want to do! Althought I know it wont take anything away..but maybe it will clear some of the fog! Also I keep pushing people away or just wont let them in...maybe I am afraid, or feel like i am not worth getting to know...and that i have nothing to offer.. I really would love to skip the next 2 years and see what my life has become..I want to be grown up, I really do. But my family will not let me. They dont see how i feel, especially my mom, as much as I love her. She just wants her kids to stay babies forever, and in a way i will always be her baby, but I need my own life. I am not going to be one of her kids that stays home forever til i get married...it is okay for some people, but not me. I know that will not solve anything but i really feel like that is what I should do..I dont care if I will have more responsibility or payments...that does not bother me, cause isn't that what happens when you grow up..
So i am rambling to no one else but myself but its okay because I feel like I am talking to someone! This is pretty much what I do when I pray as well..in my head I can not focus or come up with anything, so when I write it out then I can put things together! So a lot of times when I need to talk to heavenly father because i am lost I will write it all out and then do it that way because otherwise I talk in circles! not saying that I dont anyways!:)
Well back to my confusion! It is hard for me to find attraction to anyone at this point, and maybe it is becuase I am not ready and dont need to be in a relationship at this time! Which I am completely okay with. I am happy nonetheless with all that is going on in my head! I dont need anyone/guy to make me happy. not to sound like I am all high and mighty but my friends will do...for now! :) okay well I think I am done venting to myself now! good day!